Trying to let go but still holding on. I'm not sure what side will win. Who will I be when I'm done, will I return to who I am?
I've crashed and burned.
I feel as though I've reached one of my lowest points. Creatively, personally. The fact of the matter is, my friends, I'm not happy. I'm not.
I don't truly feel that I'm doing what I really want. Obviously that has a lot to do with the fact that I am, firstly, a mom, and all of the responsibilities and duties pertained to that calling take complete precedence over everything else. And while I willing put myself into this role, let's be honest, no one really enjoys changing ten messy diapers before 10am. I get great joy from my children watching them laugh and play together. But I'm not happy.
But even in the moments where I get to work, where I get to write or work on a photograph, I have, lately, been wishing I were doing something else. And if you remember my post on Week 13, this frightens me some. But it's not a good sign when you're out with your family and there's an opportunity to look at art and photographs and when asked if you want to go look without hesitation and with a hint of disgust on your lips you respond "No!"
It scares me that I don't want to have anything to do with photography right now. It scares me that I'm thinking I don't want to do photography at all after my break. I'm hoping that this isn't a full on crash and burn. I hope it's just a manifestation of the complete necessity for me to just take a break and regroup. I'm hoping I'll come back to photography afterwards.
We'll see.