Proverbs 13:14
Even in laughter the heart is sorrowful; and the end of that mirth is heaviness.
Mirth | (c)M.M.Hewitt 2015 Downloading this image for any use without written permission is strictly prohibited.
All weekend long my husband was terribly ill. So instead of the usual two people I had to take care of, I was taking care of three. Needless to say I was incredibly worn out and more or less devastated. I tried so hard to keep my spirits up. But having to not only get up to feed an infant in the middle of the night, it was also my duty to get up with a toddler should he wake up from a terrible dream or our ridiculously loud neighbors upstairs or down, which he did. And I wasn't getting my daily naps. On Sunday I was fortunate to have friends willing to sit with me and the two kids and help out, but even with that little bit of respite I was still feeling pretty down. So I started reading from the scriptures while talks were being given over the pulpit. It's funny how scripture has a way of popping up and being exactly what you needed to read in order to put things in perspective or to make you feel better. In my case, it was telling exactly how I was feeling.
I am surrounded by joy and happiness every day. I have a husband who loves me passionately and unconditionally. I have two beautiful children, both who are the silliest little beings I have ever met. I have friends who care about and support me. I live in, what I believe, is one of the most beautiful regions of the United States. I have the ability to go out and create things that I think are beautiful. I have the ability to share those things with others. And all of these are joyous and beautiful. And yet I still find myself sometimes in deep sorrow. But I won't let it on to anyone but my husband.
Some of you may remember that I had postpartum depression after my first child. I never let on that I was having problems, partly because I didn't know myself that I was. I am working really hard this go around to be honest with myself and with my husband about how I am feeling. But even still I don't know that I would let on outside my closest confidants that anything was going on. I will surround myself with laughter, in other words, exhibit happiness, but deep within be fighting for real happiness. I don't know that this verse, in the context of the chapter that it comes from, has anything to do with being surrounded by happiness but the heart still feeling sorrow sort of thing, but it brought up this image so vividly to me. It was exactly how I was feeling.
I'm writing this on my birthday, which when you read this will have been yesterday, while eating a special treat I bought myself (a personal Haagen-Dasz chocolate peanut butter ice cream) and thinking over the weekend. My husband is still sick and I spent my birthday caring for three people again instead of celebrations. But there were still moments that made everything ok: the half hour he gave me in the morning to go out and shoot this image, the sweet smiles from my baby girl whenever we have a little chat after a feeding, the hugs from my little guy just because he's a sweet boy, the phone call from my parents singing "Happy Birthday" because I'm now the big three-oh. Eventually those things of happiness that surround you eat away at your sorrowful heart and you can feel joy again.
Depression is a very serious condition. Be observant of your friends and loved ones. You never know who may be hiding behind or be surrounded by laugher and happiness but be suffering within.